i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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