There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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