I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
