you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
