Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
