Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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