You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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