im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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