Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
