Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
