So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
it was like eating out sand paper
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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