Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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