Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
