i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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