i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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