Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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