I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
