Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
