My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
