So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
