I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she peed on how many people?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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