well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
