It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
