he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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