Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
