when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
