people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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