I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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