she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
