she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
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