Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
