you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
dude. I can hear the air.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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