we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
