my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
