Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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