3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
