I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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