I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
