My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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