I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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