where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You can't special order awesome
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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