He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
