My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
