If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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