Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
