C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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