question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
