I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
