There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
