He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
