It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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