Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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